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Our Metropolis Family Wellness Ministry is partnering with FaithTree Resources to bring “The Relationship Project” to teens and young adults this year.
All information and resources can be found on our “RELATIONSHIP PROJECT” Page: https://www.familywellnessministry.org/the-relationship-project-2/
Each of these four principles that we have discussed Respect, Gratitude, Sacrifice, and Patience, are characteristics of love that lead to a healthy marriage. Each of them require a key ingredient: humility. In order to practice respect, gratitude, sacrificial acts, and patience in our marriages, we must humble ourselves. One sure way to humility is through the active avoidance of negative thoughts, something that Saint Paisios spoke about often!
One of his most beloved analogies was to compare negative thoughts to airplanes that are circling above us, sent to us from the outside, not from within the heart. In this analogy, the airplanes, or negative thoughts, are evil suggestions that need a place to land. If we simply refuse to build them a “runaway” then they will pass over and go somewhere else; however, if we accept them and give them a place to land, they will influence us negatively and will drive us away from God. In marriage, the war against negative thoughts is a war between grumbling on the one hand, and doxology on the other. The more we accept the negative thoughts concerning our spouse, the more we will grumble. However, when we reject those negative thoughts and transform our perception of our spouse, we will be brought instead to thanksgiving or “doxology”. “Grumbling begets grumbling, and doxology begets doxology”, according to the Elder. This frame of mind, or phronima, informs how we process the events around us, and has a great effect on our general outlook and feelings toward our spouse. With one frame of mind we live in hell, and with the other we live in Paradise.[1]
Our marriages can either be a personal paradise or a personal hades – and we have the power over which one we live in. We are human beings with a free-will; the agency is ours, no matter our circumstances. This truth is witnessed to in the lives of the saints of our Church – they often allowed very difficult and painful things to befall them while keeping their eyes on Christ, and their hope in Him for salvation. If we only had the courage of the martyrs! Their martyric spirit would be of such benefit to us as we journey towards salvation hand-in-hand with our spouse.
Marriage is such a wonderful gift from God – a gift of true companionship as we make our way through the often difficult terrain of this earthly life; yet even greater than companionship is the gift of allowing another person to become an instrument of our salvation. Let us give thanks to God for this gift, and resolve to never take it for granted! Amen.
[1] Ibid. 157
In the previous article we discussed the need for sacrifice in a healthy marriage. One of the ways that we can make sacrifices in our marriage is by practicing patience, and this is the fourth principle of a healthy marriage according to Saint Paisios the Athonite. He uses very strong language when discussing the importance of practicing patience in our marriage: “God has hung the salvation of man on the hook of patience”.[1] When he speaks about patience, he is discussing a very purposeful and active endurance, whereby a person learns put himself and his desires below the needs and desires of the other. This is a great and powerful force, which is an aspect of love requiring deep humility.
In his typical way, the Elder conveys the importance and transformational power of patience by recounting various stories of those who have embodied this mode of life and witnessed its effect on their marriage and family. These stories demonstrate what we might consider “extreme” examples of patience, that leave a very vivid picture in our mind: wives who endured physical abuse without complaint or judgmental thought, husbands and wives who endured spousal betrayal without reacting in any way other than sacrificial love.[2] These stories might seem “far-fetched” or scandalous to our modern American sensitivities, but they are real, and their point is absolutely made: practicing patience can save souls and work miracles. Saint Paisios, before telling one of these stories, say’s, “…the family is saved with patience. By patience I have seen beasts turn into lambs”.[3]
Practicing the type of transformational patience that can turn “beasts into lambs” requires an amazing amount of self-sacrifice and humility. This must be slowly worked up to – a child cannot move from riding a tricycle to a motor bike overnight; it will take time before our practice of patience is compelled out of us by a humble heart – we must begin by compulsion and exertion. The Elder often speaks of “Philotimo” (and uses this term often when speaking about patience), which can be translated so many ways, but is a nobility of heart that is humble and full of love for God and mankind. Philotimo compels one to serve others and to practice patience as a natural act of the heart. But before it will come naturally, this nobility of heart and generosity of spirt must be cultivated. In the teachings of Saint Paisios, this cultivation takes place in nepsis – spiritual watchfulness and the forceful transformation of negative thoughts into positive ones.
Transformative patience is possible in our marriage when as we begin to consider the desires and needs of our spouse above our own. In this practice, and after working at it for some time, we will not only simply “endure” the faults of our spouse, but will start to overlook those faults completely! Saint Paisios says that we learn to do this by “justifying” the actions of our spouse “with just one good thought”[4] each time we encounter the behaviors that we are tempted to judge negatively. We make excuses for their behavior, and say to ourselves that we would have done the same, or even worse if we were in their place. Self-accusation is necessary in order to do this, and we must ignore our own selfish sense of “human justice” if we are to be successful in pursuing this path. By practicing this humbling technique, we can avoid resentment in our marriages, and will be able to practice patience, while remaining focused on our own repentance unto salvation.[5] This can seem so difficult to do, but the Elder encourages us that if we can learn to live this way then we will attract the grace of God, and this divine Grace will also have an effect on our spouse, leading to their own repentance, and blessing our marriage!
[1] Ibid. pg. 51
[2] See Chapter 2 of Family Life, entitled “With Patience the Family is Saved” for these powerful vignettes told by Elder Paisios.
[3] Family Life. Pg. 52
[4] Ibid. pg. 53
[5] Cf. Family Life. Pg 58-62
The third principle of a healthy marriage according to Saint Paisios the Athonite is Sacrifice. The Elder often uses the terms “love” and “sacrifice” together – where one is, there the other will be. In a marriage, as with any relationship, the bond between the two persons is stronger the more that each person is able to see the viewpoint and perspective of the other. We can learn to do this by making sacrifices for the other person, learning to lay our will aside for their sake. As we practice this, we gain the perspective of the other and begin to see their needs before they vocalize them. Sacrifice in marriage is necessary for bonding and increasing the mutual love between spouses. The Elder puts it this way, “If there is love, if there is sacrifice, one will always arrive at the standpoint of the other, understand the other, have compassion for the other…This is why (the couple) must always strive to preserve their love throughout their life; they should sacrifice themselves for each other.[1]
Self-sacrifice makes it possible to live in a beautiful and loving relationship where the freedom and autonomy of each person is preserved, while the bond of togetherness remains strong. This is so because each of us have a will of our own, a free-will and gift from God that is ours to exercise. Until our will become more naturally aligned with the will of God, self-sacrifice must be forced. The awesome sacrifice of God for mankind was possible because the will of the Son was aligned with the will of the Father – as agonizing as it was. In fact, one of the most beautiful icons in our Church says something about this aspect of marriage: It is the image of Christ, robed in purple, hands bound while holding the reed that will be used to beat him, while blood trickles down from the crown of thorns placed on His head. This icon is called “The Nymphios”, or Christ “The Bridegroom”. This icon reminds us that we are called to a type of martyrdom in marriage: to be sacrificed unto the shedding of our metaphoric blood. It was through the ultimate Sacrifice that our salvation was accomplished, and it will be through our many smaller sacrifices, “mini martyrdoms”, that our marriages will be perfected and our love purified.
[1] Family Life. Pg. 46-47
The second principle of a healthy marriage according to Saint Paisios the Athonite is Gratitude. Someone once asked the Elder, “What is it that most unites a husband and wife”? His one word answer was “gratitude”.[1] The Elder teaches that gratitude cultivates a positive disposition and fondness towards our spouse, and is the antidote to the grumbling and negative thoughts that can slowly eat away at a couple’s marital bond.
The Elder encourages married couples to have gratitude first to God, then to their spouse, and then towards their extended families.[2] The gratitude that we show towards God is a direct response to His love for us, seen most clearly in His mercy and saving action on our behalf, despite our great sinfulness. When a person clearly sees the greatness of his own sins, then he will appreciate even more the depth of God’s forgiveness. When one has been forgiven such a great debt, gratitude is cultivated in the heart, and he begins to see others as ones who have also “forgiven” him by patiently enduring his sins and weaknesses, and this can be especially true of his spouse.
According to Saint Paisios, this humble-minded remembrance of sins and the understanding that we have much more than we deserve, helps a person approach their spouse with the proper disposition – the disposition of gratitude. When both spouses carry this disposition inside of them, their relationship is filled with love, and this love spills over to the children, parents, grandparents, and friends.[3] In contrast, when a person does not see his or her own weaknesses and sins, but instead is focused on all of the imagined indignities and injustices done to them, then they are lacking in gratitude, and will carry this diseased inner disposition into their marriage. In marriage, this disease manifests itself in complaining, grumbling, nagging, suspicion, and so on. These manifestations of a sick inner disposition divide the spouses, creating emotional distance and making room for other harmful things to enter, such as emotional and physical infidelity.
Saint Paisios emphasizes just how destructive the lack of gratitude is. In fact, he goes as far as to remind us that we should even be grateful for the trials that we face, and for those persons that persecute or harm us.[4] In secular life we are able to recognize that trials can make us stronger and help us build positive personality traits, but we stop short of being “grateful” for trials and persecutions. This is where the Elder helps take us beyond where any secular philosophy or system of counseling can go. If we can learn to not only “accept”, but also be “thankful” for the weaknesses of our spouse, think how little actually discord we would have in our marriages! What turbulence could we possibly feel, if we offered thanks for every unstable pocket of air or gust of wind that our spouse’s actions brought into our relationship? Instead of experiencing these atmospheric changes as turbulence, we would instead experience them as opportunities to become a more whole and stronger person, and the love for our spouse would actually increase, and the emotional bond between us would be further strengthened. A spirit of gratitude for all things is an important characteristic of any healthy marriage.
[1] Family Life, Pg. 46
[2] Cf. Family Life. Pg. 145
[3] Ibid. Pg. 145-146
[4] Ibid. Pg. 222
The first principle of a healthy marriage according to St Paisios the Athonite is Respect. In the Orthodox Christian Marriage service, the epistle reading is taken from Saint Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.[1] Strong language is used in this Epistle – women are told to “fear” their husbands, and husbands are commanded to “love” their wives; headship of the couple is given to the husband, while the two become “one flesh”. The Elder reminds us that “fear” really means “respect”, and respect is impossible to have without love. He puts it this way, “The Scripture says that the woman should fear her husband, that is, respect him, and that the husband should love his wife. It is through love that one can have respect. It is through respect that one can have love. What I love, I also respect; and what I respect, I also love. In other words, love and respect are not two different things, they are one and the same”.[2]
To speak practically about this, we can measure the amount of love that we have for our spouse by the degree to which we respect them. Respect involves not only outward activity, but also inner disposition. For a man who properly respects his wife, his “headship” will not be burdensome to her, but will rather resemble the leadership and responsibility exhibited by Christ Himself for the Church; His yoke is easy, and His burden is light, not heavy-handed and dictatorial. A man who properly loves his wife will respect her thoroughly, especially her God-given freewill, that not even He dares to impede. In this case, the husband will not “command” his wife, but will lovingly and respectfully lead, keeping her needs and feelings always on his mind without being swayed from the road that God is leading him. The man’s leadership will be one of self-sacrifice, if he has proper respect for his wife, and will indirectly foster inside of her love and free submission to his headship.
A wife who is properly respected by her husband feels his love, and willingly reciprocates by respecting him in turn. But even if she is not loved properly, she is still called to offer respect to her husband. Her respect of him will be manifest in her submission to his leadership, and even by the look in her eyes when she gazes upon him or speaks about him to others. A woman who is not loved properly, but who repays her husband with this respect will eventually melt his heart, as hard as it may be, and she will be rewarded for her humble respect – both spiritually, and in the way that her husband relates to her. The humble respect for our spouse is a powerful tool for obtaining the love and respect that we want to receive from them; and in fact, it would be hypocritical of us to demand something that we ourselves do not give!
Teaching of St Paisios on Marriage PART I: https://www.familywellnessministry.org/the-teachings-of-st-paisios-on-marriage-part-1/
[1] Eph. 5:20-33.
[2] Family Life, Pg. 44
This is the first in a series of articles in which we will explore the pastoral advice given to married couples by St Paisios the Athonite, one of the more beloved saints of our Church. The Elder was given the gift of discernment by God, and in turn he has blessed us with his simple and poignant counsels that touch the heart in a powerful way. Most of the quotations that I will use in this series are taken from The Spiritual Counsels of Elder Paisios of Mount Athos; Volume 4: Family Life, published by the convent in Souroti, Greece where he spent the majority of his last days, and where he is buried. He has so much to offer us, so let’s get started!
Once, when asked what advice he would give to newlyweds, the Elder replied, “They should cultivate, as far as possible, the virtue of love, so the two of them will always remain united in such a way that the Third Person – our sweetest Lord Jesus Christ – will also remain with them.”[1] This is reminiscent of the Lord’s words to His Disciples in the Gospel of Matthew: “Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, I am there in the midst of them”.[2] Truly, in every single one of our relationships, we should desire that the Lord be present, and this must especially be true in our marriage! God is present where there is love, and as He is the source of that love, His presence makes it stronger, deeper, and more authentic. When we enter the church to get married, we bring our water (our imperfect human love), and in the Sacrament Christ transforms that water into wine, to the degree that we allow it!
Saint Paisios encourages us to “cultivate” love for our spouse, and this is a good reminder that “love” is not merely a feeling or an emotion, but involves sacrifice and must be worked towards. We cannot assume that love is automatically present in our marriages simply because we are “in love” or physically attracted to our spouse. He says, “In order to live harmoniously, couples need from the very start to set their love as the foundation of their life, a true and genuine love, one that is found in spiritual nobility, in sacrifice, and not in fake, worldly and carnal love.”[3] Though the emotions of being “in love” and the force of sexual desire may be present and operating inside our marriage, the cultivation of deep love takes conscious effort and active participation. To put it simply, a healthy marriage will require love, and love takes work!
Though work and active cultivation are required, the benefits that authentic love brings to our marriage are worth the effort! Saint Paisios, speaking on how the harmony of God is often revealed in the differences in character and temperament between spouses, reminds us that if love is present in our marriage then our differences from each other become a strength, rather than a liability.[4] For example, when a couple is weak in the same areas, the smallest misfortune or trial can send them into a tailspin; but when one is strong where the other is weak, the strong one can encourage the other and vis-a-versa. “When two oxen are under the yoke and one of them is a little weaker or lazy, then the other applies greater strength and pulls forward, drawing the weaker one along”.[5] However, for this to work love must be present; if real love is absent and the relationship is built upon carnal, worldly love only, then the weaknesses of one spouse, instead of providing the opportunity for greater unity and common purpose to overcome the trial, will instead provide a moment of danger for the couple where the weakness of the one becomes a stumbling block to the other, and their weak union is further fragmented. Even worse, when their weaknesses are the same, and their love is only carnal in nature, then the trials that come will operate like a whirlwind or tempest that tosses them this way and that. Saint Paisios offers many practical examples like this that reinforce the point that love has a unifying, binding affect on the couple, and that the strength of their union is dependent on their commitment to each other and determination to love the other as they would Christ.
As this series continues, we will take a look at four principles of healthy marriage that can be found in St Paisios’ teachings; they are Respect, Gratitude, Sacrifice, and Patience. We will examine each of these independent of one another, even though they should be considered as just one piece of a united whole, what it means to “love” the other.
[1] Evangelist John the Theologian Monastery, The Spiritual Counsels of Elder Paisios of Mount Athos; Volume 4: Family Life. Pg. 40
[2] Gospel According to St Matthew 18:20.
[3] Family Life. Pg 46
[4] Cf. Family Life. Pg 41-42
[5] Family Life. Pg. 49
Our Family Wellness Ministry is continually updating our website and Facebook page with resources for families during the COVID-19 Pandemic.
We’ve created a special page with the best Holy Week guides, crafts and meditations to help make Holy Week beautiful and meaningful for your family.
https://www.familywellnessministry.org/resources/holy-week-at-home/
Young friends,
We start our prayer by inviting the Holy Spirit to come in us, to help us pray the right way. Did you notice how many “adjectives,” names we attach to the name of the Holy Spirit?
We call the Holy Spirit:
“Heavenly King ” – he is the highest Ruler in the universe, together with God the Father and God the Son.
“Comforter” – he comforts and protects us in our suffering and pain. We are not alone to be afraid. He is invisibly present by our side to comfort us, together with our parents.
“The Spirit of Truth” There are other false spirits, bad people and friends, who might say, or invite us to do bad things. We should never listen to them or do the bad things they tell us to do. . We should only listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, our conscience , Who warns us of everything bad around us.
“Present everywhere” -The Holy Spirit, working through our conscience, which is his voice within us, is present everywhere to inform us, guide and protect us. We need to listen to him.
“The treasury of blessings” – There is no greater treasure than the one the holy spirit offers us. All the other treasures are earthly; easily disappear. But the Holy Spirit remains always with us, to provide us with everything we need. He is like our parents and more, always by our side to help us.
“Giver of life” – God has given us life through our parents. We have the immortal soul within us which lives forever. The Holy Spirit feeds and gives light and life to our soul, our spirit.
“Come and dwell in us” – God has given us free will and he respects it. He waits to receive our invitation to come and live in us and offer us all his help. But he also needs our cooperation. When we offer it there is no limit what we can accomplish together.
“And cleanse us from every stain, sin” As human beings we are weak and commit sins; we disobey the Holy Will of God and violate his commandments. So, we ask in our prayers to forgive us and make our conscience clean to only do the Holy Will of God.
“ And save our souls, O Good One.” – The holy spirit is the only good. As such, he loves us and desires our salvation. We conclude our prayer by asking him to save our souls.
“Amen.” It is a Hebrew word that says “let it be”. We agree with what we said in prayer.
Young Friends, We face a new danger, a virus, that makes people sick, especially the grandparents. We need to listen and do what our governor and our parents tell us to do, to protect ourselves. We also need to pray for all of them.
Young friends, listen to your parents. Play nicely with your brothers and sisters and help them.
With love, Papou
(Fr. John Angelis)
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